My feelings and responses to the events that have befallen us, in three parts:
Tuesday, November 15, 2011 – in class
I’m deeply saddened by the recent allegations, the scandal, surrounding Penn State. My school. My university. The emotions conjured throughout this past couple weeks are mixed for me, as they seem to be for everyone.
Sadness
Disruption
Greed
Longing
Incomprehensible
Disgust
Depression
Corruption
Controversy
Embarrassment
How did this happen?
This has been a huge disturbance in the lives of anyone affiliated with the name that was once held so dearly, State, Penn State.
For me, this week has been a whirlwind. From the first streams of information leaked, the accusations stirring and leading to the conflicts that conjured the riots, the arguments among fellow students and friends, the feelings of denial, deception, embarrassment seeping through each and everyone one of us.
Is the storm over? I don’t think so. The hurricane is just reaching land. We have to weather the storm before we can even begin to approach the aftermath, before we can heal.
Something strange to me is that I would choose now to spend my longest length of time away from home, and stay here amid all of this chaos. Three weeks I’ve been here, suffering through the heartbreak we’ve all been branded with. Three weeks it has been since I’ve held my boyfriend’s hand, hugged my mom, or laughed with my sisters. I’ve barely talked to them about all of this. It’s one of those things. How do you convey these feelings to someone completely outside the “Penn State bubble”? A text, or phone call, just can’t really portray the ordeal and its effects accurately. It’s like we’re worlds apart.
I couldn’t be more ready for a break from this place.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011 – at home
I’m thinking of all that’s happened since I’ve been home last. So much is changing. At school obviously, at home too. There’s been a shift in the mood on campus. An alteration has developed in my connectedness with others, even those I love most. Loneliness has settled in and feels like it’s staying.
The feeling of campus is off somehow. As if the scandal dimmed the lights on the place called Happy Valley. Is it because we are ashamed for the man who was once revered at our school, the man who has committed heinous crimes against children? Is it because we are upset that a legend was dismissed before his time? Is it because children were hurt, and our name is branded all over it? Or is it because we are upset at those who did not take action? Because they stood by as numerous more children were abused? Are we upset because one single man has changed the fate, the lives, the feelings, the pride, and the meaning of so many people? Maybe.
I’m upset for many reasons, some as listed above. For example, I’m upset that children were hurt. I’m upset that we are all branded with the name of an institution that allowed someone to ruin lives. I’m upset that students chose to support a man whom did nothing to stop the abuse. I’m upset about more than the scandal. I’m upset at how everything was handled and the effects we will pay, as well as the victims. We’re all victims in this, yet we must not forget who the first victims of this man were.
Everything lately just feels different. Maybe it’s all the changes in my life. Coming to college, leaving home, leaving behind everyone I’ve ever known and loved, retaining those relationships, making so many decisions, changing myself, adapting to life here, figuring out who I am, or rather who I want to be, and the list goes on with the scandal to top it all off. All of those things have been quickly occurring in my life within the past 3 months or so. I’m drained. I’m dreading school in a few days. I need a break from talking about this, I need a break from my own life.
Monday, November 28, 2011 – Today
In response to the several pieces that my instructor, Sheila, provided to experience different perspectives of people affected by this situation:
Dave Housley’s Notes from Inside a Burst Bubble: On the Ground in State College, PA was one of the best pieces I have read involving this entire situation. He gave insight into what it’s like, coming from a person residing in State College. I loved how he explained how integrated the community becomes in the people that live here, even by accident. He did this through the example of his young son knowing the “We Are Penn State” chant, when it wasn’t even taught to him. As Housley states “This is how football – how Penn State — gets into your blood around here.” For me, football isn’t a big deal, and it certainly isn’t in my blood, but I like the way Dave Housley is explaining that even so, Penn State itself gets into your blood, simply by you being here. I have to agree. Even if I don’t feel the football fascination or the JoePa crazed obsession, I still feel something by being a Penn State student. It’s as if when I arrived, I became a part of this place, as if no matter where I go in life, I’ll always be a Penn Stater, a Nittany Lion, something I never was before.
Something else I found unique about Housley’s writing was that he incorporated positive things he likes about Penn State, even some little things that are overlooked. He listed things that I didn’t know happened here, and that was brilliant. To incorporate the positives of a place that feels so corrupted right now is really moving. My favorite section of this piece is the end, where Dave brings up the Occupy Wall Street movement to compare us using the 99% vs. the 1%. He finishes up with this, “I’m still proud to be here, and I know most others are, as well. The less than one percent who allowed this to happen here can’t change that. They’ve made it a different feeling, though – harder, complicated, blue and white with some gray areas, which is probably how it always really was anyway.” I couldn’t agree more.
I guess for now, we just need to move forward and hope to work our way out of that gray area.
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